Monday, March 29, 2010

I should have realized, I think, when you got on the train. Like.You were talking on your phone, cradling it against your shoulder while manhandling your bag into the luggage rack. Like. It would have been easier to put the phone down while you did that, but you didn't even stop talking. You know, like. That should have thrown up a red flag, I should have run away down the train in search of somewhere else to sit. Like. Even so, it soon became apparent that you were a Dynamic, Proactive Person, whose time had to be spent Constructively.

Once in your seat you were able to straighten your neck out and speak in your normal voice. Like, you know. Your clear, loud, and above all penetrating voice. From Oxford to Reading, you informed your friend, me, Kristen, and anyone else within about 5 rows of you how your weekend went and how life was going, generally. Like. You weren't shouting, not being deliberately obnoxious—your voice carried because you were Assertive and Proactive and Dynamic. You know. These very same traits, after all, had just earned you a Role at a Media Consultancy. It was only a small Role, but it would allow you to Network and gather Contacts in The Media. Like. You weren't going to ask for less than Twenty-Three Grand a Year, of course, because you were the Outstanding Candidate after all, and less would be Taking The Piss. You know?

If you'd stopped talking just because you were eating your lunch then that would have been Boring. Like. I mean, who cares about talking with your mouth full these days? We're Modern Dynamic Trendsetters, we don't mind the wet smacking sounds of your mouth while you chew, or the grunts and meaningless noises you make when too full of crisps to manage even a muffled response. You know.

It was terrible when you lost signal just outside Reading, really annoying, you know? There was nothing to do but look out of the window and watch the sunny countryside move by. To sit in silence and think. To rest. Time Wasted. Terrible.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Mr Sheen

Righteous indignation does not come easily to me. I'm generally too lazy and apathetic to get worked up about anything, even when I probably really should. I think that it's something I'll take it up when I get older, you know, as a hobby. I'll get laser eye surgery in one eye, take to wearing a monocle, and make sure that it falls into my tea everytime I see a picture of a young lady doing something indecent in the sunday papers.

Nonetheless, every now and then I see something that is sufficiently tasteless and offensive that even I'm shocked. When I saw this advert in the Metro today, for example, my future monocle fell right into my lap.

Bleh. I can't be bothered to explain all the things that are wrong with this. Just bear in mind that Two and a Half Men is a show in which Charlie Sheen plays a character called Charlie Harper. He's pictured with lipstick on his face, mud and rips in his shirt, and a halo...

You see what they did there? They've used Charlie Sheen's notoriously violent conduct towards women to promote their show! Oh how very nice.